Here is a quick warning for the entire 5 people who may actually read my blog that this post will not be my typical cute picture and a fluffy family story. Feel free to hit that little red x in the top right hand of your computer screen if you don't want to read....I promise I won't be offended.
Yesterday was one of" those" days. You know those days where if there was such thing as a mommy license mine would have been revoked. Or one of those days where you question if Heavenly Father got his wires mixed up and accidentally sent you 1, 2, or maybe even 3 too many kids.
If I am being honest I feel like that more often than not. Sometimes I really wonder if there was a license to be a mom, what would be on the test? Would I pass? I wonder many days why our Father in Heaven has blessed me with 5 sweet children to teach and be an example to when clearly most days I fall very very short of what I know they need and deserve.
There are some moms in the world that just seem like they were born to be mothers. Not to say we don't all struggle and face challenges I am sure Michelle Duggar even has a bad day now and again, but I have never felt like mothering just came naturally to me. I have never been one of those ladies that loved a house full of noise and chaos, yet that is just what I have.
To all of those that are judging me right now thinking I should just be grateful that I have 5 wonderful and healthy children, to you I say, trust me.... I am eternally grateful for my kids and I know that they are a blessing and that I am lucky to have them. The problem lies within me and wondering if I am enough for them. And if I am not enough, how do I become better? How do I become better when I already feel like I am giving all that I have.
I strongly believe that each one of my children should have a good education, be involved in their church, develop a musical talent and be involved in something physical. All of these are good and wonderful things. However when you have 5 kids that turns into about 15 scheduled activities a week....not to mention countless hours of practice, homework and driving to and from said activities. We are not to that 15 activities yet seeing as I still have two young boys who are not involved in much but the day is not too far off.
Basically we are busy.....really busy....and busy with good things. However I feel like our scale is quickly tipping in the wrong direction and I am feeling myself faced with questions on how to find a balance with all the good things I want my kids to have when there is only 1 of me. How do you decide what to cut? Not go to school....that is not an option. Not be involved in church....not going to give that up. Not play a musical instrument.....I guess that is not a must but I think it is really important. Give up being physical....I don't expect any of my kids to go to the Olympics but I want them to be healthy and fit and I feel like this is one of the things we have let slip a bit with some of our kids and I feel bad about it all the time. SO where do you cut back? When you have 5 kids how do you allow them all to have equal opportunities to grow and develop talents when there are just not enough hours in the day?
I really don't know the answers to any of these questions and I know I am really rambling here but this is what goes through my head most days. Are we as a family on the right track? Am I as a mother teaching my children what they need to survive in this world? How do I find the strength to not be a terrible mom on some days when I am so tired and stressed? How do I allow myself to be an actual person too and develop my own talents or just do something I want to do when I have to give so much to everyone else?
So for anyone out there that is still reading and has not thrown themselves off a cliff there is a twinkle of light to the end of this post. We had a BIG talk with the kids yesterday about how some things need to change around our home. They were all receptive and seemed to understand why we all need to step up our game a bit.
We started this morning out much better than the previous one. Morgan and Ethan headed out the door to walk to the bus and after they had been gone for a few minutes Ethan came running back in the door. I asked him what he had forgotten and he came running up to me and gave me a big hug and told me he just had to come back and give me one more hug because he loved me so much. He even got a little teary.
As a mom I know these moments are rare. And amazingly one small act has the ability to erase an entire crappy day. Unfortunately I also know that it does not take too many bad moments to forget the one good one either and that is why I wanted to write about this one so I would not forget.
Mostly that moment gave me some clarity. It helped me to know once again that my Father in Heaven was aware of my bad day yesterday. He was aware that I was really struggling with my belief in my abilities as a mother. He knew I needed something. And without having to ask my sweet Ethan was close enough to the spirit to not only feel prompted he followed the prompting and turned around 1/2 way to the bus and came back to give me a big fat hug!
This teaching moment provided me not with countless answers to my questions but a peace to know that I am not alone. I am thankful for simple moments like these that provide comfort in times when I need it most. If anything it has just given me strength to try a little harder to be a little better and just take it one day at a time!
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8 comments:
You are a GOOD mom, Brook! To be honest, many times when Harrison and I are looking to the future and what is going to become of our family, we look to your family as an example. Things are never perfect, but you do your best with what you're given and have a fun time in the process. I really feel like you and Bro. Carn reflect that in your relationship and in your parenting!!
So sweet.... Love that Ethan.
Boy do you know that I understand all your thoughts with family scheduling. We all just need to find that sweet spot where we feel we have the right balance.
Love you!
I wish I could squish that Ethan right now!
First of all, the very fact that you are feeling concerned about this proves what a good mom you are. I know you really well, and I can honestly say you are one of the best moms that I know. I've always been impressed by you, who you are, and the kind of mother you try to be. I've heard your kids talk, mention things that you've done and said, and I've always come away wanting to be more like you.
That said, I do I totally understand where you're coming from. It's hard being a mom-- having so many tasks, so many things that are important, so many pulls on your time, and so many things that you need to accomplish. You said it--it's deciding between things that are good, and that's always the toughest decision to make.
Those little sweet moments, like the one you had with Ethan, I believe that those are given to us at just the right moment, when we need a little assurance that we're doing okay, that we're loved, and that our kids know we're doing our very best for them.
I love you!
XO
k
Brook, I love your honesty in this post. It makes sense to the rest of us, who are nodding our heads and feeling your frustration as we read. I think guilt and inadequacy are feelings that just come with motherhood, to ALL moms in some way. You're not alone, and I'm pretty sure no one has it more figured out than you do. You have amazing, kind, smart, righteous kids. I've often thought of them as examples for myself as well as for my boys. I know kids are different at home than in public, but seriously, with kids like that you must be doing something right. You are an awesome mom, and even moreso because you're looking for ways to improve. So even though you're struggling, just know that people love you and your kids, and aren't going to judge you for feeling the same way we all feel. Lastly, a saying that sucks, but is true: "If motherhood isn't hard, you're probably doing it wrong."
Thank you for sharing your struggles! (I was beginning to think you and Chuck would soon be translated.) I admire and appreciate your candor. Keep up the good work.
Loved your blog and just know that this too will pass. Everyone suffers from your thoughts but somehow most of us make it through.
I still wish the school system would have mandatory classes on parenting. I feel I was not a good parent most of the time, but then look at what amazing Children I have who are amazing parents themselves. I used to say all the time "You can only do what you can do" and may I add Heavenly Father will do the rest. Just remember to breath, this too shall pass.Your way too hard on yourself. You have a beautiful family that is going in the right direction. That is what is important!
Love you,
Diane
You know me and I always have a thought, an idea, an opinion and I do this time too...but what I want to share is you wrote out what everyone thinks. We all have days or even weeks on end that we feel like we are not enough but we are with Christ walking with us on our journeys as mothers we are, YOU ARE! Are we perfect absolutley not but are we striving to be better everyday, okay most days absolutly and that is what matters. There is one thing I know for a fact after working with your children for the last 7ish years-YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MOTHER and they testify of it by who they are! Love, Julia
Brooke, I feel like you blogged EXACTLY what I have been feeling and thinking the last 3-4 weeks! Our life is crazy and hard and I also feel it is important to expose the kids to something musical and physical and am running into the same things trying to keep them all involved and include the church activities/scouts as a priority. Ahhh! I forget scripture reading and family prayers and I feel like a crazy woman a LOT! Mothering is fun and I love it most of the time, but it does NOT come naturally to me either. I totally appreciate this post and especially knowing it is not just me. You are a great mom and I really look up to you and your sweet family.
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